Apparently when I was hacked, my blogs were removed. So I have no choice but to start fresh.
So, on with the slightly drepressive blog!
Sometime last weekend(I think Saturday night or Sunday,) I did something
I havent done in a while. I'm completely opposed to drugs and alcohol
and everything else of the sort, but I admit I have some history in that area
(and regret it.)
I was feeling really low, I had a bunch of stuff going on and everything just
started weighing down on me. So I went and bought some Nyquil like the coward I am.
And of course, I did what I used to do and took enough until I felt lost in the vertigo.
I always try to keep optimistic, but between the school fights, complications with a girl I'm falling for who thinks I don't care about her, and trying to settle in a home that isnt really a home because I don't really have a family, it's hard to cope. I have complete apathy for myself, I don't feel sorry for me in any way.
It's everyone else who I feel sorry for. Like the guys who keep coming up to me when
school lets out and im walking through the parking lot, I can see through the punches and threats
and see that they're worse off than me, the guy being beat up. No telling what their lives must
be like if they're that intimidated by ME to where they have to try and degrade me down to their level.
If anything, it makes me stronger. Bullying is in no way right just like alcohol and drug
use, but I take the punches because thats what makes me feel like I have the upperhand. Man, rereading I realize my brain must be twisted.
As for whats going on here at "home," my moms been passing out alot in the house and I've been having to watch her when she does. Alot of the times I have to carry her to the sink and pour water on her face, she'll wake up and puke immediately. Shes asked me before why I havent told cps etc, and I just tell her "Because I'm tired of moving." Which is true, but really the reason is because I know she needs me. I know I shouldnt be here for her, because she was never there for me, but I'm not going to abandon her like she did me. Pretty pathetic when the child becomes the parent. I've been going to the roof and staying there for a few hours lately just stairing at the surrounding apartments and other buildings, they have a certain haunting allure to them. It's funny too that my uncle keeps telling me that I'm worthless, hes definitely one to speak. He couldnt even take care of his own sister. Sometimes I wonder what my dad would have been like if he would have still been around. Mom probably never would have gone overboard, but from what I hear he wasnt much good himself. But theres always that slight possibility that he was. I just keep telling myself: "One day, I'm eventually going to get out of here and be a better person than all of these people combined."
-Optimism.
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