Bleh, I'm sorry that I keep posting such sad blogs. But it's what happens, so I blog about it.
My I haven't been able to handle my stress lately, the other day I was completely fine but today a girl that makes me super-duper happy even annoys me a little. And I know it's just from stress, because she's never EVER once annoyed me otherwise. Except for maybe when she was dating a dbag that didn't deserve her in any way, shape or form. Thing is, this girl has been saying she loves me and wont leave me, but I feel like I want to push her away. I don't know what's up with that, and it's not because I don't want her to hurt me(that's what she believes, I think.) It's because I don't want to hurt Her(Ive done this since I first recognized my feelings for her.) She doesn't know anything about my past, so some things she says trigger stuff from my memories and the words stump me because I think "if only you knew." I guess I don't open myself up enough, and I think I think too much. She sent me a lot of texts earlier and my only reply was "I'm sorry, I just feel really dejected." She asked why, and I said because life doesn't make sense, which lead to me saying my life sucks(woohoo! stereotypical angsty kids quote.) And then it got into the "But there are tons of other people in the world worse off than you," stage. I know that. But yet, there are even more people in the world who have it better than me, too. I've been through foster home after foster home since I could pretty much walk. I've done so many regrettable things. I'm almost 20(am 17,) I need to get my life together but it's hard to when you're being held back in some way by every single person you meet. I took a shower(Lukas, your house is amazing,) before I went home, and I analyzed the bruises on my knuckles really well. Also stared at my wrist veins, which I know everyone does. Life really is fragile, isn't it? For a second I thought about dying, but I snapped back. I haven't been able to sleep these last few weeks, I maybe get a couple hours tops. Thank you, Mr.Anxiety, Mrs.Fatigue, Dr.Depression. I wish there was someone with a similar situation as mine that I could talk to who has a success story. To be able to say they made it through their obstacles must be the best feeling in the world next to love.
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