I was fine, I will be fine, and I am fine.

Woke up, hit my funny bone. Didn't laugh. MADE ME CRY..like a man.
My mom finally had a conversation with me this morning. :D
It began like so: "Oliver." "YeEeEeEhp?" "Take the trash out you lazy shit." "What? sorry I didn't hear you too well, I was getting dressed." "You fucking little shit, take the trash out." "Can I take myself out too? because you make me feel like garbage." "*Stopped listening+walked outside.*" "-ZSnap.-"
And then I went to school. And then I came home. And then I push-mowed our yard and an old neighbors yard in a tanktop. CAME HOME AGAIN, only this time..with a tan. Actually, sunburn. But I can feel the tan starting. My shoulders and the back of my neck are bright red and searing with agony. Rare occurrence cause I don't usually get sunburn.


PEACE OUT, yo.

Signs point to me being a crazy mess.

I picked my mom up from the hospital on the 23rd, she was acting normal when we got home, even left with her boyfriend an hour later(I assume to get some drugs,) so I guess she's fine in some sense. The doctor was going to give her some blood thinners, but they did a blood test and determined it was too risky because of the drugs she's been doing. I can't wait until I get out of here. I'll be able to make it on my own somehow. Here lately, I haven't been able to go to sleep because anxiety hits me and it feels like a ton of bricks on my chest, and I keep having dreams of falling. I've been sitting on the roof a lot, so maybe that has something to do with it. I always think back to Sigmund Freud's theory of dreams are representations of unconscious desires, thoughts and motivations, which makes me think I'm subconsciously telling myself that I want to jump. Or I'm just a stupid teenager with dramatic tendencies. Also, my proms coming up, I don't think I'll go because of the expenses, all of my moneys been going into necessities as it should. And tons of cat food. Because Mr.Cat is actually a Mr.Pig.

To everyone that I hate to love, I'm sorry I am the way I am, and remain optimistic. We'll get out of the holes we've dug eventually. <3

The low down.

A few days ago my work hired a new girl thats my age, I'm super happy about it. We get along great. She kidnapped me the other day and we went and saw "The host." She kind of leaned in toward me when we were sitting, but it didn't bother me too bad. She knows I like someone, and I know I wouldn't want to jeopardize what I have. The girl I like is aaaamazinnghh. Maybe she didn't even realize she was leaning. Like the leaning tower of pisa, it doesn't know it's leaning. But, friends and relationships aside, here's what happened today.
This morning I had to skip school because I woke up at 4am yesterday night to my mom having convulsions. I called Ems but apparently all of their vans were dispatched some fucking how, so I had to get my mom into her piece of shit truck and drive her to the nearest hospital. I had no idea what to do and I was extremely nervous/worried. Also, isnt it great that during dire situations it seems like all of the traffic lights always turn red? When we got to the hospital, they took her back and she didn't "come to," for a while. I had to do her paper work, thankfully some of her info was in the truck glove box. The front desk woman asked how she was going to pay for everything, and I told her she didn't have any health insurance that I knew of. They ended up working something out though. I guess my mom had a blood clot, they said it was most likely from her shooting up. Most likely. Most LIKELY. She has to stay at the hospital until tomorrow. I guarantee shes going crazy right now with Dt's. I bet they wish they'd not made her stay. I guess I'll go catch up on some much needed sleep now, tomorrow should be fun.

-That boy thats poor, but would spend every last cent trying to fix his mother who never loved him or wanted him.-

Meerkat.

Nothing new from the last time I posted except for my moms boyfriend never left after what happened on April 1st. I came home, and they were just sitting there in the living room. She forgave him, and she told me what I did was wrong then proceeded to cuss at me. Hasnt talked to me since. Ive found a few more needles laying around places, and shes still been doing the puking then passing out shit.
She did it at around 1Am last night, forcing me to have to help her, which no one cares about. And Mr.Cat is getting fat. :D The healthy fat. I just kinda merged things there. Thats all I can think of right now, yeah! 5:33Am blog!

Knock, knock..It's Dr.Depression!

Bleh, I'm sorry that I keep posting such sad blogs. But it's what happens, so I blog about it.

My I haven't been able to handle my stress lately, the other day I was completely fine but today a girl that makes me super-duper happy even annoys me a little. And I know it's just from stress, because she's never EVER once annoyed me otherwise. Except for maybe when she was dating a dbag that didn't deserve her in any way, shape or form. Thing is, this girl has been saying she loves me and wont leave me, but I feel like I want to push her away. I don't know what's up with that, and it's not because I don't want her to hurt me(that's what she believes, I think.) It's because I don't want to hurt Her(Ive done this since I first recognized my feelings for her.) She doesn't know anything about my past, so some things she says trigger stuff from my memories and the words stump me because I think "if only you knew." I guess I don't open myself up enough, and I think I think too much. She sent me a lot of texts earlier and my only reply was "I'm sorry, I just feel really dejected." She asked why, and I said because life doesn't make sense, which lead to me saying my life sucks(woohoo! stereotypical angsty kids quote.) And then it got into the "But there are tons of other people in the world worse off than you," stage. I know that. But yet, there are even more people in the world who have it better than me, too. I've been through foster home after foster home since I could pretty much walk. I've done so many regrettable things. I'm almost 20(am 17,) I need to get my life together but it's hard to when you're being held back in some way by every single person you meet. I took a shower(Lukas, your house is amazing,) before I went home, and I analyzed the bruises on my knuckles really well. Also stared at my wrist veins, which I know everyone does. Life really is fragile, isn't it? For a second I thought about dying, but I snapped back. I haven't been able to sleep these last few weeks, I maybe get a couple hours tops. Thank you, Mr.Anxiety, Mrs.Fatigue, Dr.Depression. I wish there was someone with a similar situation as mine that I could talk to who has a success story. To be able to say they made it through their obstacles must be the best feeling in the world next to love.

April fools..

Last Saturday was an awesome day, I told a girl I love her. But then yesterday, everything went down hill.
My moms boyfriend came in and they got into an argument about something, and I heard them from my room so I came out to see if I could do anything. As soon as I got to the living room, I saw him hit her. My body just went totally numb and I had a huge ass adrenaline rush. I went over and punched him in the back of his head, he turned toward me and I punched his face, he grabbed my shirt and he tripped and fell over then I got on top of him and said "I'm going to fucking kill you next time." I wasn't even thinking of this stuff, it just happened. It was like I was watching everything happen, but I wasn't the one doing it. I got up though, and grabbed some stuff and left. He was still on the floor when I went to the door, she was sitting next to him. I talked to some people and ended up staying at a friends house. I don't want to go back there and I don't want to keep burdening my friends every time these things go down, but I don't know what else to do or where to go. I know she's still going to allow him back. Lets just hope he remembers that I'm capable of opening a can of whoop-ass. You know, I've never asked for my life to be easy, I just don't want to fight everyone. And I know when I go back to school(by the way, I'm on spring break, and this "break" seems like work to me,) someone would have started a rumor about all of this because my neighbors kids that go to my school were outside probably listening.

Happy April fools day, all. Sometimes I wish my life was a joke.

Enjoy the pictures of my bruised man knuckles. :D Didn't realize these would be so big.

HAPPY DAY.

Mr.Cat came back yesterday, he just randomly ran up to me when I got home and he rubbed on my leg. I guess he trusts me again. I think I might try to keep him, he'd have to stay outside though because of my mom. I was thinking of getting him a collar and building him a little cat shed in my backyard and I could put a heater in there on cold days. And I'd take him to the vet and everything. I'd keep him super safe. <3

ALSO, I'M GOING TO BOGARTS. Ptv, Memphis may fire, Issues, and Letlive. Here I come.